Sexaayy...

So I'm at Wegmans at 7:00 this morning for the famed bi-weekly grocery shopping trip (I'm happy to report that once again I found "Flashback" and guess what - Stairway To Heaven...and all is well with the world. Phew!). I woke up at 6 and dragged ass out of bed with a killer sinus headache. No coffee in the house. Was so tired last night I put both contacts into the same side of the case, decided to wear glasses so as not to exacerbate the headache by trying to figure out which contact is which. Ratty ponytail in effect. Pull on jeans fresh from the dirty clothes hamper.

There are some scary looking people grocery shopping at 7 in the morning, and guess what - I'm one of them. Since there is a blizzard outside I take the opportunity to wear my scarf just under my eyes, and "forget" to pull it down to a more reasonable body part (like say, my neck) once I'm inside. I do my shopping, praying I don't run in to anyone I know because, from wearing a fleece scarf around three-quarters of my face I have learned that I forgot to brush my teeth before leaving - lovely.

I collect my produce, all the while avoiding the good-looking man who keeps smiling at me (me? me? well of course I mean, I HAVE been working out...), but wait, certainly his smile is pure amusement as he is obviously thinking "wow, that is one FUGLY mama..." or maybe he is reminiscing about the great sex he had last night with his own sexy mama, whom by the way is still asleep in her satin pajamas while her sexy man dragged his ass out of bed at the crack of Jack to do the grocery shopping for her...

In my produce man trance I realize I'm standing there holding a package of mushrooms and my eyes have unfocused, you know that thing that happens when you zone out and look like a crazed zombie? Wait, is that laughter? Who is cackling? I pretend it's not the hot produce man but in my heart of hearts I know the truth.

On my way to the checkout I realize I have forgotten to grab some Aleve Cold & Sinus. Completely off topic but I can't BELIEVE how much money I shelled out for allergy shots and multiple Allegra prescriptions, all the while feeling like shit, when I could have been taking Aleve C&S over the counter. This stuff is awesome! Anyway, I turn my cart, teetering with at least $250 in groceries, and lose a package of ground turkey, along with some Pirate's Booty. I bend down to get them and take out a display of Goody hair elastics. I hastily put things back and try to act like I've got everything under control.

I go to where the sinus meds are kept and don't see the Aleve. I begin to panic. I have a toddler for gods sake! Doesn't Wegmans know I need to make it through the day with just a shred of sanity?? Can I manage with the Advil or Tylenol Cold & Sinus? I start sweating. I look frantically for the Aleve, thinking in my haste I've overlooked it. I look closer. There, where the package should be, is a paper card advertising the drugs I want. I look closer and see that there instructions on the card, I'm to take it to the pharmacist and ask for the meds there. Good deal. Odd, but I'm happy all the same.

I turn the cart (we'll call her "Titanic") towards the pharmacy and stop dead in my tracks. I see an ex-boyfriend checking out. Not just any ex-boyfriend. THE ex-boyfriend. My first real love. Okay, second...but I liked him better than the first. I catch a glimpse of myself in the little mirror next to all the Revlon makeup and nearly shriek in horror: I am HIDEOUS! Dashed are my dreams of his realizing that I'm the one that got away. He will realize I'm the one to GIVE away.

I dart in and out different aisles (had to ditch the Titanic in order to do this) to ensure my invisibility. He is far enough away that he doesn't see me. Relief washes over me as I watch him walk out of the store. I am safe.

I return to the pharmacy with the aforementioned Aleve card which has been twisted into a nervous pulp. The cashier looks at me with the same smile that the hot produce guy did. Maybe I don't look all that bad, I tell myself. Maybe men don't care as much as women think. I hand him the card and he promptly asks for my identification. For what, sinus meds? I ask him why. Without looking me in the eye he explains that the state is cracking down as people are buying OTC meds in order to make crystal meth. As he explains this I convince myself he thinks I'm a meth addict. He still has the smile on.

I get my stuff and prepare to head to the check-out with the Titanic. The cashier at the pharmacy looks like he wants to say something. For a split second my foolish mind tells me he's going to ask me out. How sweet! He was probably like 3 when I was in high school.

"I'm sure you're aware that you have a Chiquita banana sticker stuck to the side of your head?" he asks me.

In my mind I see the powers that be frantically rushing around their control room looking for the button that will open up the cavernous hole beneath my feet and I will quietly drop in. "Hurry up, hurry up before her head explodes!" they are yelling.

I pluck the sticker off of the side of my head, damning the hot produce guy the whole time. No wonder the jerk was smiling. I pull my scarf up under my eyes and get my index finger stuck in a snarl when I try to nonchalantly fluff my hair. "Of COURSE I'm aware of it." I say. I'm not crazy after all. Just in bad need of a shower and a cup of coffee.

I arrive home with the arsenal of groceries that will hopefully last until the end of the month. Husband asks me why my shirt is on inside out. Lovely.