Attention Lauren Conrad

Your friends suck. I mean, they suck ass big time. Get yourself off of the MTV boat and get a real life somewhere. Maybe they are just editing out what a possible bitch you really are and you really deserve all this getting-screwed-over-by-your-best-friends nonsense. But if you really are as nice as you appear to be, you have horrible taste in friends. Ditch all of them and move to Paris.

See what happens when I'm sick? Far too much time watching mindless television.